Raising Kids to Make Responsible
Choices
by
Wendy Garrido
We gain knowledge of our value as
an individual through our actions and thoughts. When we make a decision and see
its outcome manifested in the world, we know that we have an influence, that we
are powerful, that we are important. We become confident of ourselves, our
abilities, and our value. A lack of self-confidence, then, results from a lack
of experience in this crucial process.
All too often parents, believing they know what's best for their children, make
decisions for them. Refusing children the right to test their own capacities
undermines their future success in two ways. First, it teaches them that we as
parents do not have confidence in their abilities. Second, it denies them the
opportunity to prove (to us or to themselves) that they are capable of acting
responsibly.
Children must be allowed the room to make their own decisions, manage the
consequences, and gain an understanding from the experience. It's impractical of
parents to make every important decision for a child up to the age of twelve and
then expect the child to go out into the "real world" and make responsible
decisions for herself, lacking any significant experience. We are sabotaging the
success of our children by denying them the opportunity to undertake the process
of self-actualization.
Ask yourself, who taught you to walk? Did you parents warn you to stick to
crawling so that you don't hurt yourself taking your first step? When you
stumbled, did they ask you to give up, to allow them to carry you for the rest
of your life? And what drove you to take that first step to begin with? In
truth, it was your own desire to test the boundaries of your ability that set
you off to venture on your own two feet. The process of stumbling and eventually
to learning to walk cannot be substituted with a list of directions, nor with a
step-by-step video, or even with someone moving your limbs for you. It is an
individual experience that each of us must go through in order to gain a skill
we will use for the rest of our lives.
What's the difference between learning to walk and learning to do anything else?
At a certain point, adults pressure youngsters to accept their own accrued
knowledge and experience in place of undertaking the process of gaining their
own. We forget that our children learned to walk all by themselves and that
every child is as capable of becoming as successful in life as they are
successful in walking. To achieve success in life necessitates making our own
choices, taking responsibility for the consequences and thereby discovering our
full abilities. Just as the baby who releases her grip on the table must first
face the risk and likelihood of falling before she finally discovers her ability
to walk on her own, we must allow our children to experience that process every
day.
Parents, believing we know what's best, deny our children the opportunity to
try, fail, and eventually succeed all on their own. Excluding life-threatening
situations (though they arguably could be included), there are myriad instances
in childhood where parents can empower their children to actualize themselves
through the decision-making process without putting their child at great risk.
Just as we placed our baby in a safe but spacious environment as it learned to
walk, we can foster our child's self-actualization process in secure but
liberating instances. From decisions as inconsequential as what outfit to wear,
or which cereal to have for breakfast to choices of greater importance such as
what to do throughout the day or even deciding what school to attend are all
choices that children under the age of five are perfectly capable of making, so
long as parents allow them the space to make a decision, handle the
consequences, and learn from the experience.
Concern arises among parents who believe that their child, at age 2 or age 10,
is not capable of making his/her own decisions. This belief may be grounded in
previous experience, or it may be a parent's "knowledge" that their child
"doesn't know any better". Alternatively, some parents might believe that their
child is able to make certain decisions, but doesn't have the faculties to make
important decisions. The tendency is strong to underestimate the capacity of our
children when we don't allow them the possibility of discovering their actual
abilities.
Let's remember that children are making important decisions every day of their
lives. This is especially apparent when they are of preschool- or school-age but
even before then, children decide how to treat others, how to interact with
parents and adults, and what their role is every situation. Children are
constantly testing their limitations (imposed by nature and by their parents)
and they learn from each experience. An important decision is one that
influences many people, brings about change, and produces results. By these
measures, even whether to throw a fit while standing in line at the grocery
store is an important decision. Every temper tantrum is an experience through
which a child learns what power they have over the external world and how they
can best manifest the outcome they desire.
It is a child's natural inclination to test his abilities, observe the
consequences, and learn from the experience. Our role as parents then, is to
provide situations in which a child can affirm her influence and importance in
positive ways. The child who throws a temper tantrum to get his way discovers
his influence on the world as tied to these fits of emotion. He lacks knowledge
of his own importance because, for him, power comes in the form of screaming. We
must allow our children to affirm their importance in meaningful and productive
ways.
To give our child meaningful and productive opportunities for self actualization
is not necessarily the easiest method of parenting to begin with. It requires
patience, a time commitment, and setting-aside your own knowledge and fears.
(Doesn't our heart ache to watch our baby stumble? But mustn't we allow her to
keep walking anyway?) When we give our children the leeway to make their own
decisions, they don't need to rebel against our wishes simply to affirm
themselves and the rewards of your efforts will be evident for years to come.
Imagine your three year old discussing with you whether he can have a cookie
after dinner instead of throwing a fit over the candy bar in line at the grocery
store. Picture your five year old going to bed without an argument because she
has come to an agreement with you about when her bedtime is. Envision your
ten-year-old son turning off the video game to do his homework without being
asked because he has decided for himself upon a reasonable time limit for
playing. Imagine your thirteen-year-old son having the confidence to stand up
for what he believes in the face of three of his so-called friends. Visualize
sending your fifteen-year-old daughter out to a sleepover and being confident in
her ability to make important choices, to be aware of the consequences and to
hold herself in high standing. Conceive of your college student holding herself
in such high value that she doesn't look to men or to drugs to feel better about
herself. These are the real-life outcomes of allowing our children to become
self-actualized. Not only are these instances achievable, but they are essential
to the success and well-being of our children and the adults they will become.
About the Author:Wendy
Garrido has BAs in Economics and Psychology from the University of Chicago. She
has recently moved to the Pacific Northwest where she is works as an
EFT practitioner and as a business consultant for
The Solution Place. She was raised as an empowered child and is using that
foundation to help individuals and businesses reach their potential.
Source of article:
www.goarticles.com
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